I think I'm starting this off a build behind this one.

That was quite twist of a dream, to far from the ones I've been having recently, but of an emotional kind.  As if a glimpse of something beyond comprehension.  Headache too, torn between the there and the here and now.

How I miss the feeling of learning, and the structure of a schedule.  I think that is what I have been missing most to keep grounded and focused, now that I am, at this point in time, feeling like I am floating in the void, never far, but just out of reach.

A sense of community, a sense of kinship , a sense of purpose... this what I need but I need it in person, if I don't take a step forwards in a direction I've hesitated to travel, I would forever be holding myself back.  This what school helps to accomplish, but it only last for so long.  When one door closes, a new one must be opened, but it must be done so despite the apprehension.  Slow and steady...

My mind lately has feel a swirl of feelings and thoughts as much as the soundtrack... I will never stop praising the talent of everyone in the collective work on this VN for how it fits together in both wonderment and grace.  Gives me shivers, but with a smile.

Ah interviews, very important indeed, regardless if one agrees or disagrees with what they have to share, asking questions is key to understanding not only what one thinks or feels, but why they think or feel that way.  The key to understanding is to always go beyond/below the surface.

One again though can't help feeling miffed that this guy has no sprite or CG to show him..., but then again I said that about each of Kat's BFs too..., though that was Kat... I even said that about Ben's ex as well, but that was too open ended to be worth it to make all the possible combinations..., damn.. why am I such a helpless sucker for Canines and Felines?... hehehe... better to have small miseries than big upsets though.

Getting hired right out of college... how I wish things were that simple these days..., but between there being so many people getting a degree that fits or doesn't fit an existing job out there, and companies having ever increasing expiations of those starting at the bottom, there is getting to be an increasing gap beyond that of financial toll.  Still when one is lost, they just need some guidance and a helping hand, to know that not all of their efforts have been in vain.  Having a heart is what matters in the long run.

Something positive to look towards, no matter what is in our way, for me, that is my resilience, that no matter how often I may feel I've hit rock bottom, that I'm never there for but a relative moment.

On a tangential note, I still maintain that while I said from the start that Bryan/too forwards isn't my type, even while I am pursuing Carlos and Carlos alone, in terms of a friend he has grown to feel just right, that even without a romantic spark, he feels like he belongs in his own way.  As for Nate its more neutral, for him its rather that while I do apricate the many forms of art out there, I do not share the same level of passion or devotion as he does, and to me its rather that I feel like I am the problem in trying to be with someone like him.  I am happy for them both, but I don't feel like I fit he way I do with Carlos, where I feel like what he believes in and expects are highly similar to my own.  I feel like he is a mirror to me, half equal, half opposite, a right balance to balance myself without it ever feeling too much or too little.  God... I know this is fantasy/fiction, but I still cannot help falling so hard for them.  As if the very work is its own real world and reality.

I am a time sink ^^;, all of this in response to so little, both about me and not... always having more on my mind than even I realize, but give me a direction and I will blaze my own trail, even as I stumble or land on my face. 

Now now Ben, don't go getting TOO excited! X///D  Ah... Carlos, equal parts both someone concrete and a mystery, just enough to keep you on your toes, but not enough to feel alarmed.  Oh Benny boy... *sigh* hehe, but I do enjoy how its slow, it makes me feel all the effort is more apricated.  It feels me with glee how I squirm the same as Ben to feel as he feels in this moment, but also to Carlos for I sleep in my my only the bare minimum as well, but to prevent mishaps... >//..//< hehehe... Those arms and legs, that slight gut, that soft yet stern face, all those stripes...

As much as I'd like to see it all myself, I value more thinking about others than myself..., now just doesn't feel like the right time... this feels like something to savor for how it is, instead of trying to turn it into something it is not, small steps, small steps.  Who says that relationships themselves can't be edged? ;/3  Hoho! Attaboy! I'm tickled! It feels so in line with my own thoughts!  Holy crap! ://D  Even if that was to be expected, I'm still caught off guard! DAMN! >/./<

And next... this... THIS!!! This why I value the Golden Rule so much, why it is such a foundation and cornerstone to interactions, for, to me, to make another happy is to make oneself happy, hence why the value of sharing is also important.  If you don't give a certain emotion, you can't receive that certain emotion, if you don't receive a certain emotion, you can't give that certain emotion.  It is like money but with emotions, but their only value is what you give to them regardless of which end you are on.  It is a 2 way interaction in the end, and only when both can agree on it holding the same value both directions do you ever get the best results, for better or worse.

Chest pains? Hrm... And on this note I know I have people out there who care about me, but I don't feel it, I need something more than mere words, yet at the same time, I don't know how they can help me..., it sort of puts up an unintended wall, and cause of friction where there shouldn't be, for it also means there is a lack of trust, safe from allowing yourself to be let down by them, but also self damaging...

Except a great portion of the world doesn't seem to ever believe in schedules... with lack of proper organization, its no wonder there is some form of chaos to bear 1st, 2nd, or 3rd handed witness to these days... and generally people with too much time on their hands and not enough things to dedicate their focus on...

We knew it would likely happen, back even before route selection, if one was paying attention and choose the right door... its not the same as issues or complications of drugs as Andres, but its till the same feeling of watching someone just rot away and not be able to help them other than to try to ease their pain, if even possible..., that inevitability numbs the impact, but it still hits hard all the same, hell aside from my grandparents, I even got people I was never ever to meet or properly know out there who have died for various unfortunate reasons..., not knowing them make it hard for it to hurt so bad, but the idea of never getting to know them is where the rest of the pain lies... its also in flipside, that despite my anger with some, could I myself ever want to deprive others close to them?  Even yet again as this is a work of fiction... can I ever not feel sorry for what I have lost or never had? Can I for others despite what I see is misguided intentions or notions?  Its true we cannot be there for everyone at all times, but I'd hope by being there for those we can, that eventually things would work their way to those we cannot help too.  Nothing is ever so simple when life throws roadblocks in our way, causing a breakdown of communication and understanding, and sometimes turns into neglect.  What do we fight for when its no longer clear who the enemy even is?...

This moment in the VN could not be better to capture how I am feeling in this moment.  That look... that pain...the things we hide because we do not want to think or dwell on them... until comes a time there is no other way to look at it... the feeling of being robbed of what could have been, even if it was never to be...

Drugs good or bad, that stand to alter how you mind works, aside from for those who could never function without them, stand to always be double edged... they have their uses, but in the end its not the real you there... with recent events making me want to suddenly quit my anti depressants that I have been taking for some 17 years, its like blowing up a dam... to restore natural order through the destruction of an artificial façade..., despite how much it may have helped, it also held back..., I was never able to easily be sad when I ought to be, and when I was happy it was only because I was overly fixated on something... I've always felt that over the years taking a step forwards lead to taking two or three back... but perhaps this time I have to break myself harder than ever before to more forwards, to take one giant leap back..., I have always despite my wisdom felt I was behind everyone else, everything slipping further and further away, but also to complacent and reliant on what routine I had developed to see any other way.

I am glad to have the perspective shift again... its feels crucial at this point of events.  To understand is to know how others see things, and why.  Heh... the kindness and caring of others, but better even in person... it is the feeling of kindness or neglect that generally stands to push us down the most extreme of paths at every fork in the road..., and this what happened to wedge these twins so far apart from each other... one got neglect and the other praised, simply because their parents could not be there more, simply because their family was so large they had to put in more work to provide... this is not to say having a larger family is a bad thing, but if you put too much more responsibility in there than you can handle and something WILL break... (a law/rule of overpopulation?? I'm not sure what he right terms would be...) its crazy how much even the best of intentions can go awry...  its in a way its own sort of humanitarian crisis, but the enemy comes from within, from oneself... reach too high and the sun shall burn you, reach too low and the depths shall take you... dreams can only ever succeed if they are grounded and temper by reality, or simply realistic expectations, and careful planning... the smallest oversights often is all that is needed to topple everything...

Once again to dreams, that I feel like is me having lived another life, something now coming to me frequently like they have meaning, but evaporate and distort faster than a solid to a gas... makes me shiver...

Well that is one way to Russel us Russell! XD Even I derped!  And then to the other kind of russeling... down boy! now isn't the best time!, but its hard to not let things drag on too...  though here I am forcing myself to distance myself from a similar situation of being forced around like Russel..., though rather it is I who could no longer trust anyone to be there for me... those who could help me didn't and/or couldn't do anything to help me, and so things just kept slipping, but I couldn't directly involve anyone else, so I had to blow up what was left on my end, as a means to keeping anyone involved form sinking further... that feeling of neglect really gets to you and starts to ruin even the best things you have..., but it is all the more why I need to focus on myself and reality that is before me.  Martyrdom is most painful..., but better to keep it small lest it have true ramifications... part of it is why I am posting here instead of somewhere more easily accessible, one can't rewind time, but one can rewind technology! heh... *sigh*

Aw... darn... wish could have seen the rest of the day with Russel..., but I reckon that interaction was the highlight/point.  I was in Elementary School and already had a thing for awkward things/moments... I can't tell if that is a good thing or a disturbing thing... heh... the importance of getting out to distract yourself from your worries, god how I need more of that! Aussie! [ :D ]  *facepaw* damn Russel! XD

Independence and outsourcing never can mix! NEVER! XD   Hrm.. traffic Jam... what kind of bread does that go with?   I hate those assholes too! >.>   And that I why one is to ask first if they are unsure!  Oh gawd... I feel glad Zach is not here! Jeez Russie!  Well its certainly not Pier 1... hehe

Taken by WPP??? Those glasses...   that dread...

Damn! Lucky kitty!  Wait... interesting thing to notice, but view from PH, with Chris in middle, far building spires look like devil horns on his head... o.o

And back to the grind... but not with the best results, though they could be far worse!  First Nate or First Mate? Really Ben? Lying to a Law Student? X3  What is black and white and reads you all over? XD

Even my head hurts from thinking about all these things and typing all of this... sad and serious gives me quite the Pension for being Pensive! (Writer? Joke?)  Though set the mood, set the scene, set the stage, and I will follow, for the sake of seeing just how much I can identify with.  Shift topics, shift, focus, shift mindset, but it all revolves around that initial drawing in of interest, and you all have never failed to deliver even once, whatever may be the worst blunder made along the way thus far has still been a work of art.

Bleh! If only I could put this much effort into a college essay! Its always easier from it comes from one's own experience!

I really hope Carlos is going to be okay.